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A familiar ache creeps into my chest as Shadow’s words ricochet off a dark corner of my mind that once was forgotten, striking me at the core. The dams put in place to keep the turbulent waters of my past at bay sound off an ominous crack before disintegrating completely, allowing painful memories to flood the forefront of my conscience.
“So you went and cried about what happened yesterday, like a sissy little bitch,” my older brother Danny hissed, pulling my hair back and forcing me to look him in the eyes. His hazel eyes matched mine, but they were so angry and cold, his jaw clenched in anger as he gripped my hair. Tears welled and blinded my vision as an overwhelming fear suffocated me, constricting every muscle in my body. In the blink of an eye, he snatched me by the throat, slamming my fragile body against a wall and hoisted me up to his line of sight. “No one is ever going to believe you, anyway. You are a filthy, disgusting, worthless whore feigning innocence, and that’s all you will ever be. Repeat it, Selena, so I know you understand.”
“I’m a filthy… disgusting… worthless whore… feigning innocence… and that’s all… I’ll ever be,” I manage to choke out.
Goddess yanks on her padlock incessantly, creating a distorted concierto of noise that drowns out my ability to cope, think, breathe. In a haze, I shift my eyes from Shadow’s outstretched hand to the angry expression on his face. After a few seconds, he lets out an irritated sigh and snaps, “Why are you staring at me like a fucking invalid, Goddess? What is your deal? Are you gonna take your keys or not?”
I am weighed down to my chair as Goddess begins to riot, the phenomenon of Shadow’s words echoing Danny’s causing her to revolt. “I am not allowing this to happen again… If someone is going to speak to you like you’re worthless, it’s going to because you want them to, it’s going to be because YOU are in control this time!” Goddess barks at me. She backs up and rams the bars of her prison, bending the bars that have been holding her in check for so long. I place my hand over my stomach to calm her, but my efforts are fruitless.
I feel my arousal soak through my panties and begin to form a wet spot on the innermost seam of my tight jeans, a result of her loosening restraints. A vivid, aerial view silent film of Shadow and I starts to stream before my eyes, reality fading into a blur as the curtains of my imagination reveal the rotating gears of my mind. The moon exposes our lecherous embrace, a dim, pale bluish light encompassing our skin like a spotlight. Articles of our clothing seem to be thrown hastily around us in a moment of intemperance, strewn around the darkness that encircles the bed we are in occupance of. Our very beings are intertwined with each other on black satin as he claims me and marks me as his own, enrapturing me with every upswing of his hips. My nails dig into his back as I writhe under his body in pleasure, my body contorting almost autonomously as orgasm fast approaches. Goddess charges at her bars again, deforming them to almost their breaking point, and the strains of Shadow and I discovering unconscious, animal bliss strike my ears at a deafening volume; the panting, the moaning, the sound of his body slamming into mine with every delicious push. Sweat dews on my neck and on his brow, our bodies enduring intense labor while we desperately perform our libidinous choreography. I wrap my legs around his waist while he continues to thrust into me at a punishing rhythm, and my back arches, begging for release. My big, soft breasts display erected, light brown nipples as they rise and fall in harmony with Shadow’s every movement, and my lower lip begins to quiver. I feel my legs start to tremble around him, the walls of my intimacy beginning to pulse around his length, and I whimper, “Shadow…”
“Don’t you dare make another fucking sound,” he snaps, making me bite my lower lip to suppress any moan threatening to escape my core. His concupiscent eyes are devouring the sight of me at his mercy, every nerve ending in my body worshipping his sexual prowess. I clasp onto his shoulder blades while he claims the inner workings of my carnal mind and flesh his own personal discovery, his hand roughly grabbing my jaw, forcing my wanton eyes to meet his. He then takes that same hand and grips my throat as he continues to pound himself into me, desecrating my temple of a body, and lets out a low, primal growl into my ear, “Fuck, I’m close.”
“One more time,” she says in a determined tone. This side of Goddess is novel to me, this is a side of her that I have absolutely no control over; a facet of the Goddess that Shadow brings out. She places her heels at the back of her cage, creating an immense distance between herself and the bars, and propels her body towards them at a neck-breaking speed. The distance between the bars and her body grows smaller and smaller, but right when she is about to slam into them, something knocks her off balance and she casino oyna falls to the ground, hard. She looks around, confusion etched into her face, and says “What–?”
“What the fuck are you doing to her, asshole?”
I flinch as Jason’s voice quickly and efficiently rips me out of my own daydream, and my cheeks burn with a red hot flush, trying to process what I just imagined. I place my hand over my stomach, effectively repairing Goddess’ enclosure, and manage to once again seal her within my core. I look up and see Jason’s back as he takes a protective stance in front of me, his muscles flexed, and his body poised for attack. I glance around the diner as we are now under a Broadway spotlight, Jason and Shadow making a grand spectacle of themselves as they fire their mouths off at each other.
“I didn’t do anything to her? I told her to stop being a sissy little bitch and then she started staring off into another dimension, how is that my problem? As a matter of fact, how is it YOUR problem, why can’t you ever mind your fucking business?” Shadow hisses back at him.
“‘Ever’? Have they encountered each other before?” Goddess asks, raising an eyebrow. She sticks her ear in between the newly repaired bars of her prison, desperate for gossip.
“I have never seen her act like that, she’s clearly scared of something you said and you’re being a dick, as usual,” Jason bristles, clenching his fists. “I don’t even like the way you watch her when she comes in here, you stare at her like a creep.”
A unrecognizable expression creeps across Shadow’s face. “I stare at her like I want to fuck the life out of her, just like I stared at that other girl you had feelings for, I forget her name…” he retorts, stroking his chin. “You know what I could never forget? The way that girl’s body convulsed after she came for me again, and again… and again..” he trails off, a nasty, sick grin splitting his face in half. Jason freezes as Shadow takes a few slow steps closer to him, like a lion sneaking up on a weak gazelle.
I stand up and get in the middle of the two men, placing a hand on each of their chests to keep distance between them before an all out brawl ensues. In a blind rage, I whip my entire body towards Shadow and snarl, “You! You’re a fucking prick and an asshole, FUCK you! And you,” I say as I shift my anger towards Jason, using an angry but not as belligerent tone, “I appreciate the effort to defend me, but I don’t need you to play knight in shining armor for me like I’m some type of weak damsel in distress.”
Leaving the two men behind with shock painted on their faces, I rush out of Paulie’s. I run my fingers through my curls, transforming them into a frizzy mess, as I try to process what just happened. My brother’s eyes flash across my mind, and I swipe the image away, even though I still feel the blood drain from my face at the mere memory of them. After a few minutes, I arrive at my apartment, desperate to curl up into my blanket, smoke, and relax. I reach into my jean pocket to grab my keys and unlock the door, except they are nowhere to be found. I quickly run my hands over my body, checking all other pockets, before I realize that I never took them back from Shadow. “Shhhhit,” I think to myself. “I’m going to have to disturb Kelly, when I didn’t even want her to see me so scattered in the first place.” I place my hands on either side of the doorframe, resting my forehead on the door in defeat, and I hear Kelly’s muffled moans coming from the other side of the door. The noise is so close to the door that I know it’s either coming from the living room or the kitchen, both areas equally appalling. I plop down to the floor of the hallway, and begin to unpack the last hour of my life.
I sit down beside my front door on the floor of the hallway, resting the back of my head against the wall, and a rerun of my fantasy film with Shadow begins to spin its reel . I hear myself moaning for him, envision his body looming over mine, imagine myself gripping his shoulders as he uses every last inch of me to his advantage. Chills creep over my body as I once again become aroused, but this time, the feeling is overwhelming. My legs shake, my heart races, and my nipples strain against the material of my white lacy bra. “Fuck it, if I get caught, I get caught,” I affirm. I quickly lift my shirt over my breasts and pull my bra down, exposing my nipples to the cold air of the very dusty, very public hallway. I pinch and twist them, sending shockwaves of pleasure to my core.
The Goddess sighs in relief, letting her head fall back in pleasure. “That’s it Selena, wash it all away… who cares if someone sees, you just need release,” she says to me, a devilish smile splitting her face in two.
I unbutton my jeans and lift my hips up, pulling both my jeans and my panties down under me in one swift tug, resting my bare ass on the cold tile of the hallway. I open my legs and begin to pump two fingers in and out of my pussy, coating slot oyna them with my slick arousal as I imagine Shadow pushing and pulling his hips, delivering fast, deliberate strokes of pleasure. I start to pant as the sensation quickly becomes overwhelming, and I place my hand over my mouth to mute my quickening breath, grinding my hips forward and backwards against my fingers. Slowly, I remove my fingers from my warm, sopping wet cunt and use my middle finger to quickly encircle my engorged, erect clit. My legs almost instantly begin to shake as I let out a small squeak into my hand, and I know it won’t be long before I reach orgasm. The natural, sweet aroma of my arousal fills the air as I fulfill my body’s every desire, and I begin to get lost in my reverie. Closing my eyes, I relish the fantasy of Shadow, the muscles of his body rippling as he fucks me, his eyes eating me alive as my body involuntarily squirms underneath him. I almost feel his strong hands gripping my throat as he pounds me into black satin sheets, almost smell the sweat of his body dripping from his pores as he works to pleasure me. Desperately trying to keep quiet, I bite my lower lip in order to suppress any moan that threatens to escape and attract attention to my forbidden act. My mind carries his voice from that fantasy and connects it to reality, seductive darkness being replaced by the dingy hallway I’m sitting in, imagining his hand is over my mouth instead of mine as he snarls, “Don’t you dare make another fucking sound”. The thought tips me over the edge and into oblivion, my hips bucking wildly as I am crushed by orgasm. All the muscles in my body tighten as I wind up to release every last stand of tension from them and reach euphoria. Muffled moans escape into my hand as I continue to rub my clit, the walls of my pussy contracting and releasing as I ride the waves of pleasure that are crashing over me, prolonging my orgasm. Finally, my muscles release their tension and I slump into the wall with a thud, my legs trembling violently as my body is reduced to a mountain of jelly. I let out a sharp exhale of relief, and let my hand drop from my mouth onto my bare thigh.
The Goddess’ hair is stringy from sweat, as she breathlessly confirms, “Shit that is the hardest we’ve ever cum. He is ruining your innocence without even touching you,” she teases. She slowly lays down on the floor of her cage, resting her hand on her stomach and drifting off into a gentle slumber, completely sated from our steamy little session.
Once I gain enough strength, I open my eyes and pull my pants up, fix my bra, and pull my shirt down. I stand up slowly, my legs shaking as they adjust to baring my weight once again, still weak from cumming. I place my ear against the door and hear Kelly laughing, and I know she is no longer in the arms of the man she was fucking in the common areas of our apartment. I knock on the door, and she opens it, and her face quickly bares an expression of concern
“Selena, are you okay? You look like shit,” she says softly. “I heard what happened from Jason, he texted me just now.”
“Great, so I don’t have to explain,” I say. I barely recognize the sound of my voice, it’s empty and drained of all emotion. I am dog tired from cumming like that. I don’t know why in the world I’m so attracted to someone who is so arrogant, so assuming, he’s a fucking douchebag. Heis infuriating, too nosy, rude, and really, really, fucking hot… I shake the thought out of my head, clearly irritated with myself. “I need a damn joint, Kelly. Move.”
I brush past Kelly and walk into my room, opening the drawer of my desk. Inside is a pre-rolled spliff I keep there for emergencies, for instances where life wears my patience down to the point where I have no time to roll before I lose my shit. I flick my lighter and spark it, and I instantly feel comforted as the smell of weed fills my nostrils. After a few hits, I relax completely, and I know it’s time to make a phone call. I slide my phone out of my pocket and dial the number.
“Selena,” a male voice I know all too well says, greeting me. “You never call me randomly like this. What’s the occasion?”
“Dr. Bali, you have time to talk or what?” I say, flicking my lighter to re-ignite my joint.
“Yeah, I have about 15 minutes. You’re not using marijuana right now, are you Selena?” he asks sternly.
“Absolutely not, Doc,” I say convincingly, as I exhale a huge amount of smoke. I summarize my morning to Dr. Bali, including Goddess’ escape attempt and the flashbacks of Danny.
“Well,” he says, “in our last session, we agreed that Goddess is a separate personality that developed as a coping mechanism to deal with the abuse your brother inflicted onto you. So, if she’s acting erratically, it’s clearly because this Shadow stirs something inside of you that reminds you of your past trauma. She is going to convince you that verbal abuse is something you crave to get you off as opposed to what it actually is: abuse. canlı casino siteleri It’s a control thing.”
“Yeah,” I say quietly.
“If you want to lose your virginity, just make sure it’s because Selena wants to, not because Goddess is making you crave degradation and abuse,” he says. “As your psychologist, I commend you for defending your point of view when you dealt with Jason. As a friend, though, you acted like a fucking asshole. You should apologize, he was just trying to make sure you were safe.”
“Damn it, Bali,” I sigh. Guilt sets deep into my bones as I mull over what he says. “I’ll see about apologizing tomorrow.”
“Good,” he says gently. “Don’t be too hard on yourself, that was a very emotionally stressing situation for you. I hate to cut this short, but that’s really all the time I have.”
“Thanks Doc, I’ll see you at the end of the week,” I say appreciatively.
“See you then, take care.”
“You too.” I end the call and sigh, and feel eyes on me. I turn my head to see Kell standing in the doorway, smiling empathetically at me. She holds up black nail polish and a plate of nachos.
“I made these for you. You want your nails painted?” she asks gently.
“Thank you so much, Kelly. I know I’m a bitch sometimes, but I really appreciate you,” I say, tears of comfort welling my eyes as I give her a weak smile. She laughs and sits down next to me on the bed, and grabs my hand, opens the nail polish, and begins to spread even coats of black paint on my nails.
The next morning, I walk into Paulie’s, and once again the bell broadcasts my arrival. Jason and I lock eyes and he quickly looks down, breaking eye contact with me. He’s clearly flustered over what happened yesterday, and a flush of what looks like embarrassment spreads across the tan skin on his cheeks. My heart is constricted with guilt as I walk up to the front counter.
“Hey,” I say quietly.
“Hey, Selena,” he responds hesitantly. A few seconds pass before I gain the nerve to speak.
“Jason, look,” I sigh. “What happened yesterday was a misunderstanding, and I know you were just trying to protect me, so… I apologize for snapping at you the way I did. I hope you can accept my apology.” I lock my fingers together and start to fidget, looking down at the floor.
“Of course, I do, Selena,” he says, his shoulders visibly relaxing. He laughs, and the mood between us lightens. “I thought you were gonna rip my fucking head off yesterday!”
I laugh and respond, “That’s because I was! You guys were being fucking ridiculous and I was done with it.”
Suddenly, Jason’s expression falls as he looks past me, out of the front window of Paulie’s. I turn around to see what he’s looking at, and catch a glimpse of Shadow, locking eyes with him as he approaches the front door of the bakery. I quickly break eye contact and turn to Jason, my heart racing.
“Do you wanna get him back?” I say quickly.
“What do you mean? What should I do?” he asks, confused.
Adrenaline courses through my veins as I grip Jason by his shirt and pull him in for a kiss. I feel eyes sear into me as my lips meet Jason’s, and eventually I pull away, not daring to look behind me at Shadow. I look up at Jason as he looks down at me, his face blushing like a schoolboy, and then he looks back and winks at Shadow. I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up as I realize what I’ve done, and a sense of impending doom washes over me. Why do I feel like this? I don’t belong to Shadow, or Jason, or anybody.
“Because Jason isn’t who we want, and now Shadow is going to hate your fucking guts,” Goddess hisses. A riptide of anxiety crashes over me, threatening to drown me in its unpredictable currents.
Shit, she’s right. “Hey Jason, did you happen to see my keys?” I ask, trying to clear that thought from my head. “I left them here yesterday.”
“Go to the lost and found, it’s back there, near the bathrooms,” he says, pointing to a semi secluded office behind him.
“Okay, thanks,” I say, quickly walking off and heading into the office containing the lost and found. When I feel Shadow’s eyes off of me, I try to catch my breath, placing both my hands on the desk in front of me, my head facing down. A heavy sense of dread looms like a dark cloud above me, my fight or flight instinct running rampant throughout my body, like I’m being hunted and I’m fighting for my own survival. All of a sudden, a firm set of hands grip over my mouth, suppressing every attempt at a scream I can manage, and I feel my body being dragged into the adjacent bathrooms. My back slams against the cold, smooth wall of a bathroom stall, tears fall over the brim of my eyes, causing my eyeliner to run down my face as I hear the door lock. A strong forearm presses hard against my neck, restricting my airflow but not cutting it off completely, and it effectively pins me to the wall. I open my eyes to meet Shadow’s, the expression of rage in them is enough to send chills throughout my body. The fear I feel manifests in the form of arousal, my knees threatening to give out from under me as my nectar begins to dew in between my thighs.
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