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iCarly: iCan’t Do This – Chapter 6iCarly: iCan’t Do This – Chapter 6: On EdgeI take a long swig out of the bottle, screwing my face up as it burns its way down into me. I don’t know why I’m doing it. I don’t know why I do anything. I’m just… I’m weak like my mom. I can’t deal with everything… anything. I take another sip, swallowing the amber liquor with a cough. I can’t even begin to comprehend the events of the past week.Ever since I cut my hand… no, ever since I realised I loved Carly… everything’s just been spiralling out of control because I just can’t handle it. Carly was always the one who helped me with my problems, always the one who took care of everything. But I fucked everything up. And it hurts so bad.And it still hasn’t hit me yet. I was rayped. Rayped. Me, Sam Puckett… was… and it’s lurking at the edges of my mind, and I can’t let it in. So I take another drink. I shiver as my fingers near my mouth, grasped around the neck of the bottle. I can smell her. The scent of her on me. And I can still feel her, hot and slick on me, her hands trembling, and the little sobs for breath. And her tears. I made her cry. I… what I did was… unforgivable. I can still hear her voice, the one that’s always stopped me in my tracks. And it made me run. Because it was asking a question I couldn’t answer.”Sam.” I flinch, the sound of her voice like a slap, even though it’s soft and hard at the same time.She sits down beside me, and I draw my knees up to me. Her fingers take the bottle from me gingerly, tossing it away. And she’s still taking care of me. Even now.”How’d ya know where I was?” My voice is a little slurred, but I can still see her crystal clear, still feel my thoughts rushing through me. It’s only my body that’s tipsy, but it’s better that I can’t feel it, can’t feel anything physical. It’s all numbed.Carly brushes a lock of hair behind her ear. “Because I know you. This is where you always came when you were upset. Before we met.”I look around the low rooftop, the battered pigeon coop still standing after all these years. And we’re sitting near the ledge, close enough to look over güvenilir bahis şirketleri and feel a rush of vertigo. And the lights of Seattle are muted, blocked by the bigger, dark skyscraypers around us.”Carly… I’m sorry. I’m so-“Anger flashed on Carly’s face. “Stop Sam, just stop. I’m sick of your apologies. Just tell me the truth. Tell what the fuck is going on… tell me what the hell happened in my apartment.”And maybe I’m drunker than I thought, because I can’t stop myself. “I love you. I’m in love with you.” I feel a rush of adrenaline and it makes me tremble, wrapping my arms around my knees and burying my head against them, blonde hair cocooning me.There’s a long silence, where I just sit and shake and shut my eyes tight, unable to look at her.”Sam?” Carly’s hand touches my knee gently, hesitantly, and I lift my head a little.”I’m sorry. I tried to stop, I did… but I can’t help it. It’s killing me.” My voice cracks and I wish to fuck I hadn’t drank that stupid whiskey, because everything’s crashing down, and I’m weak little Sam, knocked out of her shell and all defenceless. I’m not supposed to be like this. I’m not supposed to let these things out.And then Carly’s standing, moving close to me and wrapping her arms around me, holding me close, cradling me like I’m some fragile thing.”Carly please… stop. I don’t- I keep hurting you. I don’t wanna hurt you. I don’t wanna keep making you cry.” But she doesn’t let go, just hugs me tighter, and I can feel hot drops spatter on my shoulder. And I’ve made her cry. Again. And my throat feels all strangled and tight, and my vision starts to go blurry. Shit. I’m crying. Again. And I’m begging her, begging her to stop hugging me, to stop holding me, even as my arms betray me and loop around her, pulling her closer. “I’m sorry,” I whisper in her ear, my voice hoarse, “I didn’t want it to be like that. I just… I did what he did and I hate it. I’m so sorry… I’m just like him. Fuck, I’m sorry.”Carly pulls back, “What who did?”And I tremble, because if I admit it it’s real. And I can’t take it back. “S-Steve.””Your mom’s boyfriend? tipobet güvenilir mi What did he- Sam… Oh god, oh fuck.” She pulls me to her tightly, and I can feel her body shaking, her voice whispering, “Oh fuck, oh god.”Over and over again, getting shakier and shakier. And her hands stroke my hair. And I feel numb. And I’m confused. Because I was sad, and now I can’t feel anything. Carly’s hugging me and I can’t feel anything. I just feel… empty.And she doesn’t understand. I have to make her understand. “Carly… what I did… what I did was… I’m just like him.” I hold her face in my hands, the skin hot and wet, and her eyes are all puffy and red-rimmed.And she still looks beautiful. “No Sam, no you’re not.”My brow furrows, “But I-“She shakes her head as best she can, a melancholy smile on her lips. She brings her hands up to circle my wrists. “I could’ve stopped you. I could’ve said stop. You stopped when I took your wrist.” She squeezes a wrist lightly, as if to remind me. “But I didn’t.”And I’m feeling things again. Painful things. Big, angry stabs in the heart.”Then why-“She shrugs, a little self-deprecating laugh escaping her. “I don’t know.” She shakes her head, “I just… I don’t know. I can’t even begin to think about what happened. I don’t… I liked it Sam, I wanted it, and it scares the shit out of me.”I let out a shaky breath, my fingers starting to tremble against her face. “So what do we do?” And I’m terrified, fucking terrified of the answer.She pulls my hands off her, reaching into a pocket. “We call the police.”My hands drop to my sides and they feel huge and heavy, my heart thudding sickly against my ribs. I lick my dry lips, “I meant… about us.”Carly glances at me, pausing, her PearPhone glowing in her hand. There’s fear in her face. And something else, something questioning that makes me swallow hard, and makes my blood throb in my veins.”I don’t know Sam. I just… I can’t… I need time.”She looks away, bringing her PearPhone to her ear. I turn as she talks on the phone, facing the ledge. And it’s not that I’m suicidal, I’m not that brave tipobet giriş or that stupid, but something makes me go close, so close it’s almost like I’m standing in mid-air, just floating, this hard little bit of concrete under my feet and nothing else.I can feel a slight breeze tease my hair, my toes flexing in my shoes against the edge. And I smile, shaking my head. It would be so easy, so very easy. But I can’t let go. I know that. But I’m not scared, not scared to stand here, even though I might fall. Because I know I won’t.I look over at Carly, who’s engrossed in her conversation, her voice with this line of panic in it. The enormity of it is beginning to hit her. But it hasn’t hit me. And there’s so many things to be afraid of, so many things that have gone wrong and that could go wrong, and the biggest of them is Carly, the most important.But it’s done. I can move forward.She hangs up, and I hear the sound of her phone locking. I back away from the ledge. I might not be scared of standing there, but I’m scared to death at the thought of her standing there. Carly sighs, trudging to me wearily, “They’re on their way.” Her hand finds my shoulder, and we share a tight smile.And I feel the edge of it. The edge of panic, and I grab her hand. “Carls, I know… I know you need time but… please… don’t leave me alone. I don’t- I can’t be alone.”She shushes me, drawing me into a hug and pressing her lips to my forehead. I feel like a five-year-old. But it’s in a good way. I feel safe. Like, if I’m with her, nothing bad can happen. And I know my logic is fucked up, just look at the events of the past week. But I like feeling this way. I don’t want to question it. I don’t want to lose it.And we stay like that, my arms wrapped tight around Carly, just needing her, just needing her to hold me. Because I’m starting to realise, and it’s making me shake. The sound of sirens approaches, and Carly loosens her grip, and I let her go reluctantly. She takes my hand, gripping it tightly, her fingers rubbing my knuckles.”C’mon. We better get down there. And I’m gonna be with you the whole time. I’m not gonna let you go, ‘kay?”And I’m reminded so strongly of why I love her. She’s the only one that cares. That sees past the horrible person I am to the person I could be. She makes me feel like I’m worth something. And if she thinks that, then maybe I can do this. As long as she’s with me, I can do this.

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